Is taking time out for me being selfish?
I love Cathedrals.
Large, small, modern, old - very old. Full of history, tales of people all making that journey to enter for a reason . . .
The photo above comes from the stunningly beautiful Liverpool Metropolitan Cathedral, and for me, sums up a space that offers sanctuary, quietude, safety and respite in a modern world. All good things for both body and soul, to help them be soothed and supported inorder to regain equilibrium to get ready to set forward in action - until the next time to rest.
All makes perfectly good sense - and yet, why do I find it so hard to take time-out?
In my starting question, I've used the word 'selfish' and consulting my ever faithful Oxford English dictionary (OED) for its definition, I find:
"concerned mainly with one's own needs or wishes at the expense of consideration for other people"
This is where I get confused because I tend to put my needs last on the list and struggle with the assumption that taking time-out for myself is being selfish. But this is a contradiction to the OED's definition.
So where does my assumption come from?
Most notably my upbringing and the need to get jobs done before taking a break. I have to earn my break.
This is a tough one as 'jobs' never seem to get completed as there's always plenty more to do - so I can entrap myself in a never ending cycle!
Secondly, I think that it's something about being a woman and all the conditioning that goes with it. Need I say anymore?!
Thirdly, I'm willing to own an uncomfortable belief - only by making sure everyone else's needs are sorted can I then focus on me. Ouch, this isn't easy as I've really caught myself in a loop! It's also a symptom of being a long established rescuer, what the psychologist Karpman named and describes as one who learned that it was easier/safer to help others ahead of one's own needs. Although this might have served me well as young-un, it doesn't help me in the same way now as an adult in the bigger world. The telling signs are when I feel physically whacked out and exhausted, and mentally irritable and fed up with my world. Everything takes effort and there's a lacking feeling of joy and buoyancy in myself. Even being able to access the most simple of life's available pleasures feels like hard work and leaves me questionning "what's the point?"
When I reach this stage I know I am running on empty and functioning from my limited reserve tank supply. That's o.k. for a short sprint ride, but not a very good idea for the long haul journey of life - as I have experienced first hand many times so far.
Reflecting back, I'm also conscious how difficult it must be to live with me when I get into this state. Those undercurrents of irritability and short-temperedness can flare up at any time. Their effects can be cold, sharp and pointed, especially when being on the receiving end. My well versed martyr-driven lines of 'why is it always me who has to do.....' are a classic sign of rescuer-fatigue and time to reassess.
That's when time-out is needed!
Reasessing and understanding my rescuer position has been my chosen personal development journey for 2015. I say chosen as once I realised what was going on, I felt unable to ignore this realisation and avoid doing anything about it. In other words, I had to change as all this exhaustion was happening because of the way I was living my life. Ouch - reaching this place was a painful admission - there was no-one to blame - only me!
The realisations and insights I have gained through this process to date have been crucial to my physical health. Yet, it's the reassessing effect on the quality of my relationships that have been revealing and vital - most importantly starting with the one towards myself. I am beginning to like me more and offer a little more to myself to what I instinctively offer to others - care, attention and encouragement.
Moving from being a rescuer is a journey I know I need to continue for a long time yet. My own healing is to move towards building a much healthier balanced place within myself. For me, that means working towards shifting my perspective, belief structure and behaviour - and although it might feel at times like I am pulling teeth (yes, I am very stubborn!), I know I have to stay with it. I intend to make the process as much of a creative one as possible.
I hope to share some of my creative process through my posts as a way to help me make sense as well as sharing some of what you as a reader might be experiencing too and so build a sense of working together.
It's time for me to revisit my love of Cathedrals from outside and within, and hopefully nourish my ever present martyr so she can go to sleep for a while - a very long while I hope!
Large, small, modern, old - very old. Full of history, tales of people all making that journey to enter for a reason . . .
The photo above comes from the stunningly beautiful Liverpool Metropolitan Cathedral, and for me, sums up a space that offers sanctuary, quietude, safety and respite in a modern world. All good things for both body and soul, to help them be soothed and supported inorder to regain equilibrium to get ready to set forward in action - until the next time to rest.
All makes perfectly good sense - and yet, why do I find it so hard to take time-out?
In my starting question, I've used the word 'selfish' and consulting my ever faithful Oxford English dictionary (OED) for its definition, I find:
"concerned mainly with one's own needs or wishes at the expense of consideration for other people"
This is where I get confused because I tend to put my needs last on the list and struggle with the assumption that taking time-out for myself is being selfish. But this is a contradiction to the OED's definition.
So where does my assumption come from?
Most notably my upbringing and the need to get jobs done before taking a break. I have to earn my break.
This is a tough one as 'jobs' never seem to get completed as there's always plenty more to do - so I can entrap myself in a never ending cycle!
Secondly, I think that it's something about being a woman and all the conditioning that goes with it. Need I say anymore?!
Thirdly, I'm willing to own an uncomfortable belief - only by making sure everyone else's needs are sorted can I then focus on me. Ouch, this isn't easy as I've really caught myself in a loop! It's also a symptom of being a long established rescuer, what the psychologist Karpman named and describes as one who learned that it was easier/safer to help others ahead of one's own needs. Although this might have served me well as young-un, it doesn't help me in the same way now as an adult in the bigger world. The telling signs are when I feel physically whacked out and exhausted, and mentally irritable and fed up with my world. Everything takes effort and there's a lacking feeling of joy and buoyancy in myself. Even being able to access the most simple of life's available pleasures feels like hard work and leaves me questionning "what's the point?"
When I reach this stage I know I am running on empty and functioning from my limited reserve tank supply. That's o.k. for a short sprint ride, but not a very good idea for the long haul journey of life - as I have experienced first hand many times so far.
Reflecting back, I'm also conscious how difficult it must be to live with me when I get into this state. Those undercurrents of irritability and short-temperedness can flare up at any time. Their effects can be cold, sharp and pointed, especially when being on the receiving end. My well versed martyr-driven lines of 'why is it always me who has to do.....' are a classic sign of rescuer-fatigue and time to reassess.
That's when time-out is needed!
Reasessing and understanding my rescuer position has been my chosen personal development journey for 2015. I say chosen as once I realised what was going on, I felt unable to ignore this realisation and avoid doing anything about it. In other words, I had to change as all this exhaustion was happening because of the way I was living my life. Ouch - reaching this place was a painful admission - there was no-one to blame - only me!
The realisations and insights I have gained through this process to date have been crucial to my physical health. Yet, it's the reassessing effect on the quality of my relationships that have been revealing and vital - most importantly starting with the one towards myself. I am beginning to like me more and offer a little more to myself to what I instinctively offer to others - care, attention and encouragement.
Moving from being a rescuer is a journey I know I need to continue for a long time yet. My own healing is to move towards building a much healthier balanced place within myself. For me, that means working towards shifting my perspective, belief structure and behaviour - and although it might feel at times like I am pulling teeth (yes, I am very stubborn!), I know I have to stay with it. I intend to make the process as much of a creative one as possible.
I hope to share some of my creative process through my posts as a way to help me make sense as well as sharing some of what you as a reader might be experiencing too and so build a sense of working together.
It's time for me to revisit my love of Cathedrals from outside and within, and hopefully nourish my ever present martyr so she can go to sleep for a while - a very long while I hope!